My Diary

Welcome to my private journal.

The Present

31/7/23 - Sunday
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Mw: 134.4. Evidently I didn't fast.
Although I think everything will be ok. I am a similar weight as I was last summer, but I feel thicker? I think I actually have less muscle mass because I've been so sedetary. I think my goals are changing. My weight is mattering less, it's moreso how I feel.
My waist went up from 26 in to 27 in, at the same weight. I am kind of disappointed in myself. I followed the weight rabbit hole and got nowhere, again. I think I am making a critical mistake. Food shouldn't be the thing I'm focusing on, it should be what I'm distracting myself from.
I need a goal and a way to do it. I'm going on vacation soon. I don't want to swim this year again. Disappointment in myself. This was my last year to be a teenager. I guess it doesn't matter?
I think this is just a coping mechanism. Of course it hurts that I'm still not skinny. I can't ignore that despair. But I also can't obsess about it. There's a healthy middle ground ignoring my weight completely, and obsessing over it. it's called management. But this is all talk. What do I really wanna do this August?
Better habits, take my mind off food, and exercise daily. Is it really so easy?

These goals will likely help me:
Get up at 5am each day, regardless of when I sleep. I'll naturally start to sleep earlier.
Go for a 5 - 15 min run every 2 days. That should probably suffice for now.
No more 4chan or forums on my phone. No more comparisons.
Make an effort to dress nicely, do my hair, and keep good posture each day. Better self esteem = taking care of myself is a priority.
Find ways to be busy. Hobbies, cleaning, to-dos lists, etc.
Don't eat while I'm doing other stuff. Set aside time to eat when I feel hungry and only eat.
Coffee 2x daily at breakfast and lunch. Cigarette with (or for) lunch. Vegetables and fruit with dinner.

That should start me off on the right foot.

16/7/23 - Sunday
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Mw: 136.6. Big sigh. Day 1 / 14 fast. Today was not so bad. I bought 36 cans of diet soda - I had 2 today. I felt kind of weak and distracted, and I got nothing done.

15/7/23 - Saturday
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I lost my nerve the last few days. I continued attempting to fast but broke it at hours 13-15, depending on the day. I lack discipline and self control because of my fear. I kept getting scared I would get sick, hurt myself, or faint from lack of nourishment. Right when I had made progress, I sabatoged it out of fear. I have also been B/Ping again, ironically, due to breaking my fast. I purged Thursday and tried again today. My emotional state is in shreds.
I ate so very much today. Dried mango, most of a grilled cheese, fries, a few bites of chili. That was only 1pm. Then I got out of control. Peanutbutter cups, salted caramel, 2 popsicles. And stuffed pasta with vegetables. And two entire containers of tomatoes with ranch. And even more I couldn't list.
I want a way to push myself to the limit and prove I can perservere more than I think. This setback won't be made in vain. Today is my lack day of eating for enjoyment. After dinner, I will start a 14 day water fast. Much longer than I have ever tried (4 days). I want to see if I can actually persist in the face of fear.

11/7/23 - Tuesday
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Mw: 130.3 lb. Broke 30 hr fast at 7pm - . I barely slept. Keeping busy is the key. All of my hobbies are starting to orbit around keeping myself away from food. Hunger pangs are sometimes painful. I binged when I broke my fast. I tried to purge it up. I wasn't able to, probably for the best.

10/7/23
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Nnnn I am a fat idiot. I ate way too much yesterday and gained this morning up to 132.6. And I was down to 130.3! So close! Ugh. I was just so hungry I couldn't stop eating, I started this current fast quite late. I broke my fast an hour early too! I almost broke it again today and had to sway myself with 200 cal of coffee. I should be OK now but I'm gonna make some temporary changes to catch up:
1. I will skip refeeding and just cont. with the next fast.
2. BUT I will allow coffee, milk, juice, etc to stave off hunger - 500 cal / day max.
So I'm basically liquid/coffee fasting for like... the next 102 - 140 hours at least? This is temporary and then I'll go back to 1,800 cal refeeds once I hit 129.
I had another unsettling dream. In it, my extended family was taking a trip - we were maybe moving because we had so many cars packed full of stuff. Despite not knowing how to drive, I was forced to drive one of the cars to the location. Though I kept pleading with them that I had no idea how to drive and to please reconsider, I was ignored. Well, obviously I couldn't drive on the road and kept swerving. I didn't know any traffic laws. I just kept crying and begging my family to please let me stop. Eventually a cop pulled me over for being an awful driver and when he was going to reprimand me, I just sobbed. He took pity on me and clearly wanted to help, but by protocol he had to take me to the station and I think arrest me. Then I woke up.
Seems like a clear metaphor in my life. E took me yesterday that Mom was complaining about me, saying I wouldn't "grow up" because I don't have a job.. It's not really true because I've been applying for classes as my top priority! Also I WAS working but I couldn't keep it up because I'm so messed up in the head. It's not that I'm exaggerating or not taking responsibility, I've been formally diagnosed with PTSD and an ED. She I told her about the PTSD and the ED is obvious, I've never lied or hidden either. It's not like she has a job either.
I guess the dream was my anxiety and stress that I am being forced to grow up and adapt to the modern world (drive) without having the skills or qualifications to do so (license). And the authority that keeps me in check is prone to pitying me.Anyway speaking of which. I have to go to driving school now. I'm going to get my permit today and hopefully get my license by the end of the fall (I really don't wanna practice on ice). Here's to hoping.

10/7/23
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Ate at 11am Monday about 1,299. I really missed the mark today. I was so hungry last night, but I slept 10 hours and woke up today with no appetite whatsoever. I was even thinking I could go another day or two without eating, but I really want that perfect sequence on the app (24, 26, 28, 30...) so I decided to break it. Again, i went an hour over, 29 hours technically, but I fiddled with it to show 28. But really, I think the fasting must be doing something to me, because I eat less every time I refeed. I could only force down some chicken, mashed potatoes, coffee (I even added cream to bulk the calorie content up), and a bit of yogurt with grapefruit. I feel OK right now but actually worse than I did before eating. I also took less than anticipated because my mom kept watching me/talking to me and it stressed me out. But I should have eaten more, I even gave myself an extra hour to eat and barely choked in 200 more calories. Today may be rough...
I keep talking and thinking and dreaming about food and weight. I dreamt last night that I was split into two women - one was thinning out and one was getting fatter. The fat one's life was awful, the thin one's life was wonderful and peaceful. The dream slowly focused completely on the thin one. At the end of the dream that I could do a bunch of body checks - my arm was the same circumfrence as my wrist all the way up, for example. So when i woke up, the first thing I did was try that body check and I was disheartened that it failed. But the scale was kind to me - 131.8 today! I've lost 5.2 lb in just 3 cycles of fasting, amazing.
I can't stop talking about the fasting to the people who know about it. R is cool with it but he teases me about it. To be fair, he had an ED of his own many years ago. H seems slightly uncomfortable, honestly. I think he always is just concerned I am doing something not out of my own will, but compulsion. But he should be happy for me.. I've been trying to hit 102 for 8 years. Now it finally seems like I am moving out of wannarexia into something that actually works for me. I do feel a bit invalid that I don't do low daily restriction like others do, but I am not good at it at all and binge. But fasting? I am really quite good at. I guess it's less about changing your nature, and moreso changing your life to match your nature. Who could've guessed?

9/7/23
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Ate at 5am Sunday about 1,735.. or it would've been that much if I finished the soup, but it's ok. I tried to eat more calorie-dense food today because I wasn't able to finish my food yesterday and it made me feel quite unwell by the evening. Eating just 200 calories more did wonders today. I was still dizzy and kind of brain dead, but less so. I actually got some work done around the house and on the website, although I refused to go to church. I feel too ashamed that I am fasting for such vanity and disorder to go to church or even pray. I'm not ready to repent and change yet.. I'm not ready to heal, mentally or spiritually. I'm getting there though.
My fast was actually 27 hours but I modified the fasting app a bit to show it as 26, for perfectionistic sake. I want to do this as perfectly as possible. I weighed myself at least 4 times today. I went from 137.3 (what!!) to 132.5 which made me happy. I still feel really dizzy though. In the evening, it gets quite difficult and I feel really fatigued. I was so hungry today..

8/7/23
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Ate at 12:20am Saturday about 1,588 cal. I had planned for 1,700 but I couldn't finish the yogurt or protein shake so I did a rough estimation and subtracted what I didn't eat, plus I ate a protein bar for extra protein. First 24 hr fast done! I felt pretty ok today, a bit of dizziness but otherwise fine. Towards the evening, I started feeling very bad (weak, dizzy, dissociated) and had to indulge in a 10 cal tea mix. I was right as rain after though and didn't need to break my fast. Hunger stops being a problem around hour 18 or so. It's the dizziness that worries me.
I went to the gym again this morning! I didn't run there this time but I also didn't fall off the treadmill. I ran 10 minutes straight for the first time in my life - traveled 0.8 miles. Monday, I'm gonna aim for 1 mile! I was originally doing couch to 5k but I've kinda been doing my own thing. I'm trying not to be so rigid or else I will get depressed and stop going. But so far so good. After that my family wanted to go to a farmer's market and I watched with pain as they bought beautiful crusty breads, special flavored cheeses, and roasted cashews. oh, it hurts. Declining the food advances is getting easier as I practice, though.

6/7/23
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I haven't written in more than a week! Update time!
28th/29th: I spent my last two days in Texas happily with H. We had a tearful depart, at around 1pm. My plane didn't take off until 5pm but he had to go to work so I was dropped off very early. Cue the next 12 hours miserably spent in airports and on planes with no water and no food. In all honesty, the flight wasn't as bad as waiting in those airports. I have come to enjoy flying lately. I just wish the water hadn't been $4. I finally came home at 1am on the 30th and cried to my mom.

30th/1st/2nd: I spent these days "grieving" - I wore all black with my hair covered. I went back to church on Sat and Sun (1st and 2nd). Father Pat welcomed me back and I was pretty content. I was praying regularly for those days and generally felt pretty OK despite my grief. I was more pleasant towards others when I was grieving and fasting, even just for a few days. I had an accidental 26 hr fast from the time I was dropped off at the airport to when I woke up the next day. I was feeling good... until I weighed myself Sunday and hit 132. Cue 4 days of slight over-eating.

3rd: This day was very eventful. I went with my sister to my Dad's to celebrate the annual 3rd of July concert in my hometown. We were driven by my grandma (thank you Nana!). We met up with her friends and spent the evening wandering through the woods and then having an accidental party at my Dad's. While we were out, we gained a following and everyone followed us back to my Dad's apartment - which I did NOT want. I was really grumpy but I tried my hardest to have fun. Everyone bummed off my cigarettes and money.

This dude kept following me the whole night, I think he was a friend of a friend. He just talked about himself but there was a possibility he might be cool so I put him in my back pocket as a possible friend. The party itself was really lame but I had a good time dancing - by myself. I missed H terribly. I came to a realization that it would not be safe for me to stay alone in the city. I would never cheat on my boyfriend - everytime I had interest in someone else, I always broke up with the person I was dating first. But its lonely to be in an LDR and I sincerely did not WANT to find someone new. I feared I might eventually if I didn't live with him.

During a really lame game of truth or dare, I was dared to kiss someone on the cheek. I told H and we got in an argument - not that I kissed someone, but that I was peer pressured into it. But we ended up solving the issue quickly and getting back on good terms. I kind of missed our arguments - as in, our quick resolutions and establishing boundaries through them. We always worked through things within the hour. Finally people left and I was able to get some sleep.

4th: I slept through the huge parade in my town, somehow. I did end up seeing the guy from last night but my hopes of a possible friend was dashed when I realized he was somehow both socially awkward AND narcissistic. Seriously, I barely got a word in through his combination of self-pity and political ranting. He MIGHT have been cool if not for mild autism - he liked to build bunkers/shelters in the woods and I used to do that as well so I thought we might get along. We also had somewhat similar political views but he had absolutely no filter or nuance. Ugh. Maybe the reason I attract a lot of weirdos is that I am weird. I got to fish with my dad though which was cool. When he's sober and not depressed, he's a very cool guy.

5th/6th: I went home and spent these last two days trying to get myself together. I applied for college (finally) and got approved, I just need to go through the upsetting process of finalizing it and registering for classes. I kid, but I do feel like my cheerful attitude left after the party. I was really grouchy today - my mom asked me to help her shop and I was admittently unhelpful and unresponsive as I used to be in my depressive episodes. in good news, I did return (somewhat) to fasting after the last four days of being unsuccessful. I also applied for a Driver's Ed class so I can finally get a permit and my license. The reason I was suddenly inspired is that H and I talked about him moving up to my city way sooner than expected! He agreed to move into these apartments in my hometown that are only $900/month since there are jobs available nearby and I have access to the train lines to go to school! I am really excited but also totally freaked out because I don't have a job or driver's license or am registered for classes yet.

So the goals (and incentives) for July are as follows:
1. Fully register for classes --> Laptop for class!
2. Get my driver's permit ------> Driver's license!
3. Get a job ---------------------> Buy cute scale!
4. Keep attempting daily to fast ----> Weight loss!

So there are some goals for me ^-^. Although, I am kinda worried I am back on my ED-fix. I was at 1,000-ish cal for the day when I had dinner after, and I took the opportunity of being alone to purge all my guilt over it up. So I guess the mia tendencies are back, but I am not going to fret too much. As long as its less than once a week, I shouldn't have a problem. Although I don't know if I can really call this fasting anymore because it just feels like restriction. I had a protein shake (180), three protein bars (580, stupid), some popcorn (like 210?), and then the purged spanikopita (1,100~ish). And I weighed today despite my best intentions, back up to 135.5 >:( So that's not very spiritual. I also haven't been praying since Sunday's uninspired prayer... I'm gonna get back on that tonight. But I can't afford anymore therapy so I'm just gonna roll with it for now.

27/6/23
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Well, I haven't posted in a few days. But I thought it would be a good idea to update with the events of the last few days. I leave Texas in 2 days and I wanted to reflect a bit on my time here.
Since I arrived, my thinking has definitely become much more positive. I am still attached to a few places of the internet, but I am slowly moving away. I have a few places I routinely check but I don't think its so bad for the time being. I have been cornered by H into being nice to myself. And though we've had our conflicts, I think we have settled into domestic life. I think he will make a great husband when he comes to live with me. And I do believe I'll be ready for that in a year, as I seem to be pretty ready now. What did he tell me once? "The best part about adulthood is that it always keeps coming; it comes slowly, but it always comes." Now I understand what he meant by that.

Anyway, Saturday was my birthday. It was a really nice day, honestly, despite the setbacks. It started at midnight, after H and I went to a store together. We had a little disagreement and in the few moments before midnight, we ended up making up. Right at midnight, we were driving and yelling with joy about how it was my birthday! He pulled over at home and said he had a gift. It turns out, he bought me a new silver ring - one that resembled the one he gave me before. I had thrown it out because he broke my heart. But it was like magic, it was like the beginning of a new life together. Magical.
H had to work that day so I came with him! He works security at a mall right now and I joined along. I stayed at this mall for about 8 hours. I actually was able to go on one of those TV-esq "shopping sprees" where I buy stuff and carry it around in bags. Although, honestly, I'll probably not do it again - it wasn't that glamorous even if it was fun. Plus it was expensive! I did get some nice clothes and get to check out all the places that the ladies at SG swear by. But I guess I confirmed my suspicion - the material life just isn't for me.
Even though the day was extremely hot, I was alright. I had H drive me around in the security vehicle if I really got too exhausted to walk. We even got to see our Christian friends from the fellowship doing prayer work there. Imagine the coincidence. At the end of the night, I heard shots and I actually ducked down in fear. But H told me they were fireworks! SO in the last hour before his shift was over, I got to smoke and watch beautiful fireworks in the distance. Sometimes, I really have all the luck in the world... It was a beautiful show.
After his shift, H and I went to Walmart to return a ruler I stole and get some stuff for tomorrow. It was 15 minutes to closing, imagine my luck again! Anyway, a few days prior I tried to buy the ruler for a project but it had no price tag so H insisted I just take it. Now it was only $1, but I really felt bad! It was weighing on my conscience. I had to take it back. We had a lovely time in the store, as always. He does these shenanigans, which was the cause of the argument before mentioned, but I came to enjoy them. After that we briefly stopped by his eldest brother's house to hear a harrowing tale of a near-death experience and police intervention!
To end the night, we cut the cake and opened a bottle of lemonade vodka and took shots. I survived 6, beating his 5. We watched Carnage A Trois and crawled into bed once we got too sleepy to pay attention. It was lovely.

Sunday was less eventful. We missed church and woke up terribly late from the drinking. However H's brother, brother's gf, and I made a feast for the gf's family and everyone in the house. Well, a feast is an exaggeration. But there was a lot of food. Then H and I had to run to see Wes Anderson's new movie, Asteroid City. It was VERY good! It was the first film I was actually happy to see in years. Very artistic and personalized, as per usual.

Monday was relaxed, more food was made and more family came to visit. H's eldest brother came over for a long while and we hung out with him. H and I also painted his high-tops black so he could wear them at work. Lovely improvisation, no?

Now today, H works again and I miss him terribly. I spent all day making an Ideals chart for /fa/ for some reason. Maybe my narcisstic tendencies remain. I'm going to go clean up the house and start something for dinner - although we have too many leftovers as it is. On that note, that's all for now! I'm happy things are finally going well.

23/6/23
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The first entry in a new section is always full of possibility. What will it be utilized for? In the past, I made the mistake of creating hard definitions for diaries. They became iron-bound and rigid, unable to be altered. Thus, I would abandon them quickly and worse yet, not return. When I wanted something new, I would simply remake the entire diary from scratch. I tell you the truth, a lot of time and paper used in such repetitive experiments.

So instead of doing that, I just came back to something I already created from scratch. I found it quite easy to alter. In this rendition, I am attempting to remove judgement from my writing in hopes that it will affect the way I think and eventually the way I behave. I am entering another period of developement soon, this time hopefully to relieve passions instead of indulging them.

In other happy news, my 19th birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to make a nice dinner and cake to share with H when he comes home from work. I also think it would be pleasant to take the day time to meditate and pray on directions to go in. I settled on plans I want to accomplish when I get home yesterday, so now I simply have to consider how to do them.

The Past

Foreword 23/6/23
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Here are the uncensored diary entries as I have them that document bits and pieces of my "Ordeal," as I called it. As I find entries of the last 8 years, they document much less a traditional eating disorder and much more a severe spiritual illness. I see, above a diagnosis, a discordant and inconsistent obsession of obsession. I was unsure if I really wanted to stay ill, or even be ill to begin with. So these entries may come off as pointless, meandering, and repetitive. I suppose I should be thankful I was too unsure of mortality to pursue death. More than anything, I wanted to BE something.
My story of wanting to want is a more common plague than the more photogenic sickness of genuine obsession. It feels both unrelatable and far too close to home to be admirable. There is no beauty in this kind of failure - one that fails every goal at once as it keeps you alive. And yet it is that much harder to get out of. If your problem is unattractive, how are you supposed to ask for help? If it is embarrassed and self-imposed, why should you want to let anyone help you change? The stigma I feared was precisely why I chased the more attractive stigma of anorexia.
I never knew it, but years ago when I was 12 and was called by an abusive friend a "wannarexic," she was more right than she knew! More right than I could have understood. But it was not the physical glamor or attention I really wanted. It was the validation that I was unwell. And so beget 8 years of the definition of insanity, "doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."
I keep these entries here primarily to remember and honor the past. I may have made a great many mistakes, but I tried to live in full faith. I really did want to want a certain lifestyle. Who shall I thank or condemn that I never fulfilled it? I keep these entries to look back and reflect on my attitudes that lead to a constant feeling of failure, let alone failure itself. And as a reminder to be kind to myself and others, seeing what the opposite looked like in my life.

1/5/23
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Starting off the first day of the month with my usual crazy bullshit! Today I woke up pre-treatment weight :) - though unfortunately that made me ok with eating 2 bowls of Chilaquiles and a bunch of chocolate. That'll be it for today, though. At around midnight, I was watching Wolf of Walstreet with J and got the hilarious idea to C+S in his company. Now, he has some pretty bad ADHD, and didn't even notice. I had to tell him what I did later and he said it was really "fucked up" - I probably shouldn't have told him. But he demands my honesty! Anyway he was really really pressuring me to go to PHP again. There was about an hour where I was crying and he was telling me how much it hurt him to see me like this (ED). That he felt like I chose my Ordeal over him. I felt crushed, how could I do that to him? Well I'm not exactly ready to get better, but I don't want dissappoint him, either. So here's the plan for now:

1. Continue my crazy bullshit (mostly restriction, binging, C+S - avoid purging, though)
2. Call PHP places to try to get in
3 Get mom's help if unable
4. Lose as much weight until then & Prep for college entry
5. Play along with the program until it's over
6. Go back to work asap
7. Start minor restriction (1500) asap under guise of "preventing B/P"
8. Go on to college, cont restricting, until I hit my UGW slowly

I feel so sorry for him, that he's with me. I can't choose him or my Ordeal, I can't separate it from my life. Best case scenario: treatment actually works and I am disillusioned with my Ordeal. Worst case scenario: It doesn't help or I relapse right after, but I can now keep it to myself again. Well, I'll see.
W: 136.6 ~~~ I: Fuck / 800

30/4/23
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Restriction continues, very gladly. I finally dropped below 140 again! I'm gonna try to hold off weighing until next Sunday to see a better result but we'll see how well that goes. I decided to start following the Health ABC diet for as long as possible - if not the full 90 days, at least 30 of them. If I actually followed it for 90 days, Losertown says I'd be at 114 lb. :> Anyway, today was chill aside from my dizziness. I got some help with the college process which calmed my nerves a lot, drank too much coffee and was shaky. More grlling by my mom, I barely ate at dinner again. I was actually 200 cal below my limit post-dinner so I stuffed in a couple small things to get as close as possible. J and I installed Linux all day and got it working. I like that we are both kinda ADHD and can work silently next to each other with no awkwardness or conflict. Anyway, the idea of treatment is going further and further from my mind. I want to start working again, restricting, and then off to college - NO TREATMENT. I decided again on my UGW - 102 lb. Hopefully I can get there by the end of the year? We'll see.
W: 137.4 ~~~ I: 885 / 900

29/4/23
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Restriction continues, somewhat gladly. I went home with J, we spent the evening working on installing Linux on my computer. Didn't finish, though. I watched J and my sister's bf put together a grill while smoking outside for the aesthetic (and to refrain from eating at dinner). My own mom remarked how "French" I looked - she is strange but I'll take it as a compliment. J and I went to the store to get S'mores supplies (not for me). He grilled me (lovingly?) on my restriction and my ED, and it's logical fallacies. To be fair, I was pretty meek and mopey all day, as restriction makes me. He has been pushing me to go to treatment, I wanted to at first but now that I'm successfully restricting - NO WAY. We had dinner super late, I barely held on. I was using every appetite suppressant I could think of. But I succeeded again in barely eating. I make brownies and had the mistake of having 3 slices - idiot. I tried to purge them up and only got up what I wanted to hold onto, my actual dinner. The brownies stayed down. From now on, I am NOT purging again - I don't want to ruin my vocal chords before my performance. The calorie count is totaled from the pre-purged food, I have no idea what it is post-purge.
W: 140.4 ? ~~~ I: ~1,300

28/4/23
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I smoked walking to the train in the early morning while listening to Anorexic Beauty by Pulp - it was so aesthetic. My therapy appointment was at 8am. Sometimes it makes me feel better and then I don't binge/purge/restrict/whatever for a few days, until depression returns. For some reason, though, this time I was really freaked out. I really wanted to restrict, and so I did I guess. Although, truthfully, I didn't really want to. We went to his open mic show and I had a wonderful time, I really want to perform there myself next month. But I am so huge.. It's been fueling my restriction. All the pressures on me are fueling it again, restriction feels like the only way I can manage it. Stressors rn include: J, my appearance, my family, college-impending, being out of work, performing at open mic night, etc. We went to dinner with his parents after the show but I hardly even ate. It really felt like a success, I was so proud of myself. It makes the stressors less potent...
W: N/A ~~~ I: 1,115

26/4/23
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I didn't sleep during the night. I caught J before he went to sleep and we chatted for a bit around 1:30am. I ate early in the morning because I was hungry from yesterday. Spent the whole morning working on my website, again. I did cheer up in the afternoon while being with my family, but the stress of denial had me overeating again. Stopped tracking calories after 942, I imagine it's around 2,000 or even more.
W: N/A ~~~ I: N/A

25/4/23
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Woke up late. My knee was still messed up from yesterday's injuries so I tried to take a day to rest. Worked on my website from waking at 11am to around 4pm non-stop. I spent the evening sulking, calling J to talk about my depression only to hang up shortly after. I felt very isolated all day. I fell asleep at ~6pm and intended to only sleep until 7pm, because I needed to call my grandma's friend about college-stuff. I ended up sleeping until 10pm. Continued working on my website immediately.
W: 139.6 ~~~ I: ~1200

24/4/23
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I went to M's house (my only remaining friend). I hadn't seen her since January 10th. It was a long bus ride with many shenanigans through a rough area of the city. There was a woman on the bus carrying a turtle which caused a stir, amid other things. Two older women chatted with me with hopefully good intentions. An old hispanic woman said I was beautiful.
When M and I met up, we went to a bakery first. I tripped on the concrete in my heels (stupid) and messed up my knee/left hand. However, with no hesitation, I simply rolled right back up from the fall. I didn't even feel the pain nor noticed it was bleeding heavily until we got back to her house. Aside from that, we chatted pleasantly. I finally told her about my ED/eating issues after 5 years of friendship. She wasn't surprised in the least, she said, "there's only so many times you can skip lunch." We grumbled about our families and problems, and future plans. I drew and she crocheted, just like old times. It was nice, I haven't seen a friend since the last time I saw her.
W: N/A ~~~ I: Something high, over 2,000 at least. I was too happy to count.

23/4/23
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I (finally) went home from J's. I went over to my grandma's to talk about college stuff and catch up with her. It was awkward, I struggle with conversation these days because if it isn't sulking and self-pity, I have little to say. It was still nice to see her anyway. My mom ended up inviting her over for dinner so we went back to my house. The house was, predictably, a mess. I felt so embarrassed. My grandma started to clean the house, as a guest. I helped her and forced her to sit so I could finish the sweeping/vacuuming. I nearly died on the spot. I also finally moved all the bags of stuff to the car, but we still didn't take it over. Dinner itself was FINE. I spent the evening after she left sulking and painting in my underwear on the floor. I always hate the day that I go home. Even with the painting distraction, I caved and made a bunch of puff pastry shells with chocolate yogurt filling. I proceeded to eat all of them in a mad flurry, and then tried to purge them. Nothing came up.
W: N/A ~~~ I: Horrible

16/4/23 - 22/4/23
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Sat: I was at J'd still. I wanted to go home but I had a nervous fit over the train scheduling and being late, and missed 3 trains.
Fri: I saw my therapist at 8am. J came in with me to discuss PHP again. She gave me the numbers of the PHP places.
Thu: I went to J's early in the morning for my appointment. I wore a skirt I felt very fat in to simultaneously test my boundaries/exit my comfort zone and punish myself for continued existence. I saw my nutritionist at 9am. J came in with me to discuss PHP with her. That discussion went well, I quite like her and always feel better after going. Later in the day, he, his mom, and I saw a real full arched rainbow.
Wed: I barely remember. I think I was drawing a comic and continuing to sulk in my depressed unemployment.
Tue: I weighed myself again, I think I was at around 140. I spent the whole day continuing to work on that stupid thinspo journal. I wasted hours painting the pages pink one at a time.
Mon: I can barely remember, I think I spent the day making this thinspo journal? I was inspired by Marina Markovic's Anorexic Diary art piece.
Sun: I think I left J's house this day.